Comparisons and the Insecure Daddy

It's hard for me to watch people's reactions to Cosi. She's developmentally delayed- physically, mentally and emotionally. So when I see other parents reacting to her misbehavior, or when I see the concerned looks when she is obviously not acting like a 'normal' 4 year-old, I feel defensive.

April, too, feels defensive, but she feels defensive of Cosi, which is a lot better than what I tend to feel. I feel defensive of myself as a parent. Especially in East Asia, where I need to be the primary communicator for our family, I end up being quick to explain to everyone that Cosi is adopted, that she was in an orphanage for 3 years, that she has been in our home for only 9 months, and that she is really doing very well, considering all that she has going against her.

I want people to know that I really am a good parent and that when my daughter hits a child who gets too close to her, it's not because she's mean but because she's scared. She doesn't understand or answer most of the questions people ask her in English (let alone in East Asian) and that doesn't mean she's rude or stupid or that I'm slacking in teaching her. She's only been learning these languages for a few months! And usually she's just so happy to be around people that she can't focus on what they're saying. So I overexplain and try to justify my child, lest someone think less of me because of her.

And it is hard to watch other 4 year-olds (and even 3 year-olds) and notice the ways in which Cosi is delayed. Sometimes, though, the comparisons are helpful. I tend to blame all her problems on her history, but sometimes she's just being a normal 4 year-old! Four year-olds grab toys, disobey, refuse to eat, make messes, and act...well...childish. As April sometimes jokingly reminds me when I'm disciplining Cosi for something petty, "You're right Rob, how DARE she act like a little kid!"

*Sigh*

So it looks like I'm projecting my perfectionist tendencies onto my daughter. It looks like my struggles with grace and the gospel will continue to affect those I love. It looks like Cosi will suffer for my insecurities.

She really is doing well. Every day I need to pray again that God would enlarge my heart to accept and love her as she is, even if this is as far as her development goes. And day by day I'm encouraged by the growth we see, but afraid that this is as far as it will go. So the next step is to learn how to stop giving a hoot about what other people think of my daughter (and of me as a parent) and remember to show grace to my daughter...and to myself.