A long, long road with a good, good end...A very personal update from April

April wrote (but never published) this post a few days before we got the good news that we would be able to travel to Ukraine in mid-December to adopt our daughter. Here it is- a glimpse into where we were at a few weeks ago:

Well, we were hoping this update would be joyfully announcing a travel date to pick up our daughter in Ukraine. However, our hopes don't equal reality. Ukraine has delayed our process yet again. The biggest problem has been that we're the first people in history to live in China and adopt from Ukraine. Ukraine officials are baffled at why two Americans would ever choose to leave “the heaven on earth of America” to move to China and they aren't inclined to grant our request.

Right now, we are getting new forms filled out and mailing them to Ukraine. Our hope is that they will soon grant us a travel date. Our prayer is that they will grant us a travel date and that the travel date might be as early as December (which would be a true miracle) or even that it would be in January (also a miracle).

How are we doing with all this? Well, I stayed home and cried all day on Tuesday. I cried so much that Rob had to leave work, cancel plans, come home and comfort me. I'm even crying right now, as I write this. Rob is deeply sad, as well. But, he tries to stay strong for me. I think he waits to cry when I'm not crying, but that chance rarely comes.

Right now, we are waiting to hear if our daughter (that we have been praying for and thinking about for two years) is dead to us. It's as if there is a child in my womb and the doctors have told me to wait 3-4 weeks to find out if the child is alive. I walk around, carrying the child in my heart, but I'm not sure whether to prepare myself for disappointment or to hope for the best. I know I should “trust God,” but I'm not always sure what that looks like or how to do that. Sometimes when I try to trust God, it looks more like complacency or detachment.

A friend recently instructed me that all things that happen in life are “God's best for us.” He said that my trials are all God's best for me, even if I don't see that. I disagree. I think that life before the fall was God's best for us. I think that God is still sovereign and that he allows bad things to happen. I even think that he is able to use those bad things and bring good out of them. But, I do not believe that they are God's best for us. I do not believe that prolonged illnesses, death, sudden accidents, war, starvation, AIDS, child trafficking, forced prostitution, slavery, miscarriages, broken families....are God's best for us. I think we are blessed to see glimpses of the best in this life, but I hope that the best is still to come. I think we will experience God's best for us only after the complete fulfillment of all things. Until then, I think we are left to trust in God's sovereignty and ultimate plan.

I recently heard a line in a song by Waterdeep, a line that is sticking with me: “It's a long, long road, with a good, good end.” Maybe it's because I'm melancholy, but I find a lot of comfort in acknowledging the long road and hoping for the good end. I know we all have our own long roads. We really appreciate it when people share prayer requests with us, so please feel free to respond to this. When others share struggles with us, it often helps me to take the focus off of my own situation and remember that there are so many ills to be made right in this world (of course, it usually takes me about 1-2 days of self-pity to get to this point).

So a lot has changed since April wrote these words. We’re not at the end of the long, long road yet, but a lot of encouraging things have moved us closer to the good, good end. Please continue to pray that the process will go smoothly as we travel there in 10 days. And thank God for moving paperwork quickly and for securing a travel date that doesn’t conflict with baby #2.

Making Preparations

We took part in our first "Black Friday" shopping yesterday. Fortunately, because we're still really jet-lagged, we were wide awake by 3am, which meant we arrived at Kohls by 4am. Unfortunately, about 500 people were already there and in line at the register by the time we got there.

Anyway, we did some shopping for both babies, something that had been hard to do until recently. It was hard getting our hopes up and believing that the adoption would happen. Now it's hard because we have no idea how big our daughter will be. She could be anywhere from 15-36 months old! And within those age ranges, she could be really small and under-nourished or big and healthy.

More and more, we're able to act like it's real (see our post from Oct 3rd). And in a few weeks, faith shall be sight!

First of many updates

We'll be updating a lot more frequently over the coming weeks. A lot is happening in our adoption, and it's finally good news. In a day or two, I'll post a "flashback" blog post that April wrote a few days before we got our travel date. We never posted it because I was trying to make it sound a little less sad. I think blogging is like emotional photoshopping. You pretend you're sharing raw thoughts and feelings, but really they're touched up for public consumption.

So where are we? In Virginia, with a flight to Ukraine on Dec 9th. We go to the adoption services department on Dec 13th and choose a child from among a folder of files. Then, after about a month of meetings, court hearings, and paperwork, we'll return to the States with our daughter. Once we get her a passport and visa, we'll then take her back to East Asia.

So much is happening so fast. It's good to have a couple of weeks in Virginia to reconnect with a few people, see family, and get stuff together for the adoption trip.

Side note. By the time baby #2 is born in April 2011, we estimate that he will have been on 15 plane rides...

Conversation from this Morning

Rob: Do you want some bacon for breakfast?

April: You know that bacon is like candy, right?**

Rob: ??

April: I just want to make sure we're on the same bacon page.

**Her point was that you shouldn't eat bacon every morning. I guess I see her bacon point.

Court Date- October 14th

This Thursday, October 14th, our adoption paperwork will officially be filed in a court in Ukraine. A few weeks after that, we will be given a travel date to meet and pick up our daughter.

Please pray that all would go well with the court date and that no unexpected problems come up.

Also, pray that the travel date would be EARLY. We've been told to expect late November/early December, but we're also hearing rumors it could be later. We're hoping for late November!

Acting Like It's Real

Rob here- up late, trying to bring our computer back to a shadow of what it was a few weeks ago (long unrelated story involving several reformats, 2 frustrated IT guys, and a lot of backed-up data finally being transferred back where it belongs now), and April is asleep on the hotel bed. We're out of town for a week so I can take a seminary class. It's late, and I'm trying to decide if I should just stay up until 4am and watch the play-by-play updates of the Steelers-Ravens game...

In the meantime, I'm meditating on a thought that occurred to me a few weeks ago. All of the paperwork that we can provide is now turned in. And hopefully it will be enough to satisfy the Ukrainian courts so that they will give us our little girl. As I was thinking about that, I realized how similar this adoption is to my faith. Not in the obvious, "we are adopted by God" sense- although that is true and very, very beautiful. I'm talking about something else.

She is my daughter. I know it in my heart. We pray for her, talk about her, plan for her, cry for her, and have even named her. But so far, all we have is a mountain of paperwork (a picture of which will go in her "baby book") and the promises of people we have to trust. My arms ache to hold her, and my imagination craves a real face to replace the ones I've fashioned for now. Some days (like some of the ones I've written about before) it's so hard to believe this will actually happen- that it's not just a fantasy, too good to be true. Other days, we get downright giddy making plans and talking about things to do with our little girl next year. Always moving towards the day when the faith will (hopefully) become sight.

Such is my life as a Christian. Some days, faith is easy. But many (most?) days, it's the feeling of, "this is too good to be true. it's got to be just a nice dream only true on paper." We push on because we believe that eventually the faith shall be sight. But until then we cling to faith while craving sight. I just act like it's real on the days when nothing makes it seem real.

Not a lesson I thought God was going to teach me through this. But then, he seldom goes with my lesson plans. Oh God, you and you sovereignty get me every time! Haste the day!

Ugh.

Ugh. The adoption is getting messy. Ukraine is asking for some new paperwork and they want it all right away. Plus they want all our old paperwork updated...right away. Most of it will be OK, just a little stressful and pricey to get again (e.g. our THIRD blood tests in 18 months). However, there are one or two things that might not happen. Our Virgina background checks won't be done in time.

And there are one or two things for which they'd like an "official" letter from East Asian government. Like, they want proof our daughter would be given a visa. Anyone who has lived or traveled here knows you can't just walk into a government office and say "Here's a form I made up in which you promise to do something. Will you sign it and give it an official stamp?" Um...yeah.

So we're trying to figure out if there's any way around some of these things.
The really hard thing is that if we can't work something out (and get our background checks on time), the adoption will be at BEST delayed a year or so. More likely, it will fall through.

So after already being in this process a year longer than expected, we're really discouraged right now. It's hard to get motivated to walk into another East Asian office and face another inevitable blank stare. Why is it that getting a child can come down to a piece of paper?! We're trying to still believe in God's sovereignty and goodness in the midst of this. For those of you that have been praying for this...thank you. And if anyone has some secret contact in the Ukrainian court system who owes you a big favor...can I get a phone number?

Summer Musing

As the air-conditioner repairman stood on the edge of our 26th floor balcony yesterday, it occurred to me:
Air-conditioner repairmen have one of the worst summer jobs. Wherever they go, the air-conditioner is broken.
And people are probably pretty crabby.

How I Spent My Evening (Rob's thoughts food)

It's been a while since we posted here- it's just been a very busy few weeks. So tonight it was nice to be able to relax, catch up on some e-mails, and make tortillas.

When I first moved to East Asia, I had pretty much resigned myself to living without some of my favorite foods, or else spending exorbitant amounts of money to get them ($12 for a box of Capt'n Crunch, anyone?). My wife, however, doesn't give up so easily.

So in the past year, we have (for example) made our own sour cream, egg-free pancakes, Auntie Anne's pretzels, homemade bagels, granola, and Catalina salad dressing. We've even pitted our own olives. And now we make our own flour tortillas. It's a lot of work, but if you've had April's chicken fajitas, you'd understand why I think it's worth it to spend a few hours mixing, rolling, frying, and cleaning.

It's a little exciting to imagine what hard to find culinary treasures we may add to our list in the coming year. English muffins? Doughnuts? Granola Bars?

I do know for sure what's next on my list- homemade pierogies!

Adoption Update- A Father-to-Be's Thoughts

No, nothing's changed. We're still slated to go sometime this winter to pick up our little girl. And that's what's so hard- the waiting.

The child that in a half a year will be ours is living in an orphanage somewhere around the world. She's probably already old enough to hobble a few steps and say a few words. Even though we haven't been matched with a child yet (and we won't be until we arrive there), ONE of those little girls is ours.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Over the past year of paperwork, fund-raising, and preparation, my heart has steadily grown to take in this child as mine; and now it makes me so angry and upset that my daughter is living in an orphanage, that I can't swoop in and rescue her. I'm not even allowed to meet her yet.
I never imagined I would so much love her before she even joined our family, and now that love just makes the waiting hurt so much.